Sheltering in place makes me hairy. My hair hasn’t grown this fast since I was coming into puberty! I go to bed with one hair style and wake up looking like Chewbacca. My husband says good nite to me with a clean shaven face and wakes to find ZZ Top laying next to him. It gives a whole new meaning to the word “pluck.” This is one of the reasons I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror anymore. Come to think of it, I no longer need a watch either. It’s not like I’m going anywhere. When I see my reflection in the mirror, that’s when I know it’s time to shower.
Thank goodness I go on “Zoom” for bible study once a week! Then and only then, I shower early, put on make up and dress like a model… but only from the waste up. After “SIP” is over I’m afraid I’ll forget to wear anything below the waist for bible study. I’m planning to buy a new wardrobe when this is over. Mostly to move up to the next size, but If it’s not made of spandex, I’m not buying it! I can’t even imagine my feet in anything that’s not made of rubber or has a piece that fits between my toes! On grocery day I do dress up from head to toe to avoid the Rona.
We now refer to the market as our Combat Zone. Thankfully I haven’t stepped on any land mines yet. I attribute this to the meticulous, detailed way I suit up to go to Battle.
At thirteen hundred hours, I put on my mask, gloves, hoody, old tennis shoes and sunglasses. At any other time I would have been mistaken for the perpetrator that robbed the 7-11. Today I look like every other law-abiding civilian. Then waiting for the fog to clear from the inside of my shades I carefully ascend my assault vehicle. Take no purse, no phone and no visible weapons. I put car keys in one pocket and my credit card in the other. Carrying my grocery list and a Sani-wipe I’m ready for the mission.
I arrived on the arrow on the first isle unscathed only to discover that my mask had moved up under my glasses and covered my eyelids which caused me to go blind for a few seconds. When I regained sight I noticed that the Sani-wipe took out the last five items on my list. I was horrified!
“What if I forget something we so desperately needed? What if it was the Charmin!”
The last bargain-brand paper, while excellent for rectum exfoliation, left me wounded and shell shocked. Would I have to return to the store in less than a week?
“ OH GOD NOOOOO!”
It was almost more than I could bear. I couldn’t even call a friend. I followed the arrows up the useful aisles and backtracked when the floor arrows were not going my way. Last stop, the ice cream isle. This detour is always worth the risk!
After the last combat skirmish, I contracted a compulsive on-line purchasing disorder (COPD). I bought Flex Seal Liquid that is so strong it can seal leaks on the bottoms of boats. Their advertising was so amazing, I don’t even own a boat! The Weed Wacker acquisition was also fantastic, though I don’t have a lawn.
My favorite and newest wise investment was the Pressure Washer. For the first few hours of power washing the patio, the water stream sprayed about as hard as my water pic. While entertaining, I admit I was slightly disappointed. Then, I accidentally pressed a small red button and Wow! The motor noise was deafening and the jetting water just about knocked me off my feet. It’s the bomb! I love it with the exception of it blowing the GFI switch and catapulting a few water-sprinkler heads into space. It is so strong that It can taken the paint right off my car. Shhh!
The very best part of Sheltering in Place is when I hear the UPS and Fed Ex truck coming down the street. I liken it to the days when I was a child and heard the ice cream man coming from a mile away. My heart would race and I’d beg my mother for change. Then I prayed that the 50/50 popsicle, that was calling my name, didn’t pass my house before my mother got to her purse.
“Mom, Mom hurry, hurry, pleeeze hurry!
Now the experience is much more civilized. It cost nothing! I charge my Visa card and BAM… presents arrive on my doorstep. I’m always surprised and I really do mean surprised, because there is no hint on the box what’s inside, only the Amazon logo. Usually I don’t even remember which lavish item I’m expecting. Is it the TUMS or the Almond Flour? The Spa Chlorine or the yard hose.
Just call me Extravagant!
Sadly the difference now is that I pray that the truck driver is wearing a mask and gloves.
As Bob Dylan once sang. “The Times They Are A-Changin’”